MORE OF THEM
This week, I was unexpectedly introduced to Mags the MAGA’s relatives. Specifically, Mags’ brother Maggot and his wife Magpie who, along with Mags, Maggy and their 30-something year-old daughter Magnet were traveling to Milwaukee for the RNC Convention. Regrettably, they stopped by my place to rest.
TWO (Answering the door): Wow, a visit from Mags! What do I owe this to?
MAGS: We’re on our way to Milwaukee for the convention. It’s cramped in the camper with five of us, so we decided to stop and stretch our legs. Let us come in.
TWO: The convention doesn’t start for two and a half weeks! You’re only 90 miles from Milwaukee.
MAGS: Hey, we’re tired, can we come in?
TWO: OH-kay, come on in. Who are your friends?
MAGS: This is my brother Maggot and his wife Magpie.
MAGGY: Magpie’s my twin sister.
MAGS: Maggot and Magpie, meet Opine man.
MAGGY: He’s Black.
MAGPIE: I see.
MAGGOT: A friend of yours?
MAGS: We worked together years ago at a factory.
MAGGOT: Did he show up for work on time when you were his boss?
TWO: Nice to meet you. Not that I owe you an explanation but, yes, I got to work on time. And no, Mags was not my boss.
MAGGOT: What time did you two have to clock in?
MAGS: I punched the clock every morning at 8 a.m. sharp!
TWO: I didn’t have to clock in. I was a salaried office employee.
MAGGOT: Even back then a woke company. What a bunch of crap!
MAGPIE: Opine man, is it true what they say?
TWO: I don’t know, what are you talking about?
MAGGY: Don’t play dumb, you know exactly what she’s talking about. And it’s true.
MAGS: Maggy!!!
MAGNET: What’s true?
TWO: C’mon now…
MAGGY: Shush, Opine man! You know it’s true. You guys over-index liking basketball and dancing.
MAGPIE: I’ve heard people say that. Did Gov. DeSantis say that when we lived in Florida? Or was it Kari Lake when we lived in Arizona?
MAGNET: I like basketball. There’s that cute really tall player, I think his name is Whatsupwithyomama.
MAGS: Magnet!!!
TWO: I think you mean Victor Wembanyama.
MAGS: You guys love Crown Royal, too. I worked with a couple of you people that couldn’t get enough Crown Royal.
TWO: You people?
MAGGY: I bet you people showed up late for work because of Crown Royal.
MAGPIE (musing dreamily): I wish Maggot would take me to see the crown royals in Britannica.
TWO: You mean Britain? Britannica is an encyclopedia company.
MAGGY: Opine man always shows off how smart he thinks he is.
MAGGOT: I ain’t goin’ nowhere where people worship crown-wearing royals.
TWO: You worship Trump.
MAGGOT: Mags, what’s with this guy? I thought that rapper said Black men are with President Trump.
TWO: I’m not.
MAGNET: Was it Kanye West? He changed his name to Yeezy.
MAGGY: Sleazy is more like it.
TWO: The rapper you’re thinking of who claims Black men support Trump goes by 50 Cent.
MAGS: Trust me, we don’t sit around thinkin’ about none of them hoodlum rappers.
MAGGY: Why would anyone go by the name 50 Cent? Who thinks they’re only worth 50 cents? Why not call yourself 100,000 Dollars?
MAGPIE: He should call himself 5 Million. I buy lottery tickets when the prize is 5 million dollars. But 50 Cent? He must not think much of himself.
TWO: Do you have credentials to get in the convention?
MAGS: Not yet. We’re getting tickets on StubHub.
MAGGOT: Or buying tickets from scalpers outside the arena.
TWO: Something tells me StubHub won’t have access to credentials.
MAGPIE: Maggy’s right. You’re a negative Nelly, Opine man.
MAGGY: Isn’t he? A real downer.
TWO: Well, here’s more bad news. There won’t be scalpers selling tickets.
MAGGY & MAGPIE: Be quiet!
MAGNET: We could come back to Mr. Opine’s and watch the convention. The camper doesn’t have a TV.
TWO: Stay here for four days?
MAGS: That’s a possibility.
MAGGY & TWO: No it’s not!
MAGGOT: Let’s go. I don’t want Opine man’s Black Lives Matter woke-ness rubbing off on me.
MAGPIE: Yea, coming here into this environment was a mistake. I need a shower.
MAGNET: Our camper doesn’t have a shower.
MAGS: Can’t you see Opine man’s spirit is hurting? Everyone join hands.
MAGGY: Don’t touch me, Opine man!
MAGPIE: Me, either!
MAGS: OK. Maggy, Magnet, Maggot and Magpie, let’s join hands. Opine man just bow your head.
TWO: Nope.
MAGS: Dear Father Trump, this man needs you. Compel him to walk into that booth in November and vote for you.
TWO: I vote by mail.
MAGS: Then Father Trump show us where he keeps his stamps so we can confiscate them.
TWO: Stamps are in the bedroom.
MAGGY: Typical. We’ve been here less than 15 minutes and he’s trying to get us into the bedroom.
MAGPIE: He wants to have an orgy! Yuck!
TWO: Actually, I’m inviting you to leave. Enjoy the convention.
MAGNET: I’m hungry.
MAGS: Let’s go. There’s a Cracker Barrel nearby.
MAGPIE: We loved Old Country Buffett but they all closed. Opine man, you’ve probably never eaten at a nice place like Old Country Buffett.
TWO: When the first two words of a restaurant’s name are Old and Country, I stay away.
MAGGY: Maybe we should eat at IHOP.
MAGNET: What’s that?
MAGGY: International House of Pancakes. Surely, Opine man, you’ve eaten at IHOP.
TWO: Nah, I hop right past that place. Why does it matter? I’m not going with you.
MAGS: So true. Let’s get outta here. Goodbye.
TWO: Have fun in Milwaukee. And don’t forget, the debate is tonight.
© 2024 Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved. Mags the MAGA, Maggy the MAGA, Magnet the MAGA, Maggot the MAGA and Magpie the MAGA are the intellectual property of Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved.