GONE ALL IN
Because I had not heard from Mags the MAGA, his wife Maggy and their daughter Magnet for several months, I made the unwise decision to call them. What was I thinking?
MAGS: Opine man, I’m on the other line, hang on…
TWO: That’s OK, call me back.
MAGS: Just wait a second, I’m wrapping up the other call.
TWO: OK (on hold for almost five minutes).
MAGS: I’m back. What do you want?
TWO: Just checking in. Hadn’t heard from you...
MAGS: Let me put you on speaker, Maggy and Magnet want to hear.
TWO: My, I am popular. Maybe I should sell tickets to talk with me.
MAGGY: You think you are so funny but you’re not. You’re dull and boring.
MAGNET: My dad was just on the phone ordering a Trump Bible.
TWO: No!
MAGS: Yes. The front and back covers are brown with “Holy Bible” in Trump gold.
MAGGY: I heard there is also a photo in the Bible of President Trump shaking hands with the pope. They must look great together. President Trump probably took the photo with the pope on a trip to Israel when he was president.
MAGNET: I heard the pope had dinner with President Trump at Mar-a-Lago!
TWO: Where’d you hear that?
MAGNET: I think it came from those people who say JFK is living in South America.
TWO: Geez. You do know the pope lives in Italy, in Vatican City. And I highly doubt the pope has ever been to Mar-a-Lago.
MAGS: You know nothing, Mr. Opine. The pope visited Trump at Mar-a-Lago and so did JFK!
TWO: Whatever you say. How much did your Bible cost?
MAGS: It was listed at $59.99. But to help with President Trump’s legal bills, I paid $159.99.
TWO: You gave a billionaire $100 to help pay his legal fees?
MAGGY: We’re not cheap like you low-class, satanic liberals.
MAGNET: I helped, too. I bought a pair of those Trump personalized sneakers.
TWO: How much?
MAGNET: They were listed for $79.99 but my parents gave me a $100 advance on my allowance, so I paid $179.99…
TWO: I know, to help with the billionaire’s legal fees.
MAGNET: How’d you know?
MAGGY: Because Mr. Opine the lib thinks he knows everything.
TWO: Isn’t Magnet 30-something years old? She gets an allowance?
MAGGY: Don’t you dare question how we raise our child!
TWO: Never.
MAGS: I think it’s b.s. that some marketing loser thinks sneakers are worth $20 more than a Bible.
TWO: Trump sets the price. So, he’s a loser?
MAGS: Would you like me to hang up on you?
TWO: Hmmm… not a bad idea. If I was wearing boots I’d be shaking in my boots.
MAGNET: What kind of boots? I love Timbaland boots.
TWO: The name of the boot brand is TimBERland. TimBAland is a music artist.
MAGS: What kind of music does he sing? Country?
TWO: Timbaland doesn’t sing. He’s a rapper.
MAGNET: I bet Timbaland looks cute in Timberland boots.
MAGGY: Ugh, yuck! He’s probably one of those thug rapper criminals.
TWO: No, not that I’m aware of.
MAGGY: You know the kind.
TWO: I did business with Timbaland years ago. He seemed like a good guy.
MAGS: That figures. It takes a Dem criminal to know one.
MAGGY: Hang up on him, Mags!
MAGNET: Wait! Tell Mr. Opine what else we did.
TWO: Please hurry, I’m overcome with anticipation.
MAGS: We bought a Trump-themed camper. We live in it and can go anywhere.
TWO: Why?
MAGS: We sold our home in Texas. It’s too hot there. And it rains a lot and floods where we lived.
MAGGY: But no way are we moving back to that wasting away, swamp blue state Illinois.
MAGS: We’re driving right now to the Republican convention.
MAGNET: I can’t wait to get to the campsite!
MAGGY: Me, too! We’ve never been to Wyoming. It’s supposed to be beautiful.
TWO: Correct first letter but wrong state. The Republican convention is in Wisconsin.
MAGGY: Doesn’t matter. We’ll get there.
TWO: It will be quite the show watching a convicted felon become your nominee.
MAGS: You need help, Opine man. Maggy and Magnet let’s join hands and pray for Mr. Opine.
TWO: No thanks.
MAGS: Let us pray. Dear Father Trump, when you are president again, and send all those nasty liberal enemies to prison, we ask that you spare Mr. Opine and just give him probation with home confinement. He means no harm but is lost in a sea of woke darkness…
TWO: Stop, please…
MAGS: Father Trump, show Mr. Opine the light only found on the far right…
TWO: (Click).
© 2024 Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved. Mags the MAGA, Maggy the MAGA and Magnet the MAGA are the intellectual property of Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved.