MAGS BUYS A CAR
Mags the MAGA, Maggy the MAGA and their daughter, Magnet the MAGA, called again this week. Why do I keep answering their calls? Probably because their thought process continues to amaze. Hopefully, they’ll leave me alone for two weeks while I’m on vacation.
TWO: Hello, Mags.
MAGS: Hi, we bought a new car.
TWO: Wow! A 2023?
MAGS: No, a used new car. A blue Chevy. A 2020. We almost didn’t buy the car.
TWO: Why not?
MAGS: Duh, because of the blue color and the year. I told the sales guy, give us a red 2019 or 2021, but not a blue 2020.
TWO: Why not a blue 2020?
MAGGY: Because, silly man, of what happened in 2020 when Democrats stole the election from Trump.
TWO: Here we go…
MAGS: But, in the spirit of stealing things, we decided to get a steal of a deal on a blue 2020 car.
TWO: Did you?
MAGGY: Of course, we did. The sales guy asked for our best offer and Mags said we’d only pay the sticker price.
TWO: OK, well, most car buyers never pay the sticker price.
MAGGY: We did. And we refused their offer of a free 1-year warranty. My husband knows how to swing a deal.
TWO: I see, he’s a crack negotiator.
MAGS: I am. Instead of accepting their 1-year warranty, I waited until we got home and bought my own coverage.
TWO: You paid for a warranty rather than take a free year from the dealer?
MAGS: Yeah, I seen a CarShield commercial and that pretty blonde lady said your car will eventually break down. She was wearing a red dress - it was like she was looking me in the eye – and she says, “You need to call CarShield right now.” So, I picked up the phone and called right now.
TWO: Did she answer?
MAGS: I couldn’t tell if the lady who answered the phone was the spokeswoman or not.
MAGGY: Then Mags called another warranty company, too.
TWO: To get a second quote for comparison’s sake?
MAGS: No, to add more coverage.
TWO: Why on Earth?
MAGS: It’s good to have double coverage. Like the way NFL teams used to double cover that great Chinese wide receiver, what’s his name?
TWO: I don’t know who you’re talking about. I’m familiar with a Chinese former NBA player.
MAGNET: That guy was like, 8 feet tall. His name was Y’all Sing. He played in Texas.
MAGGY: That’s right. Y’all Sing was an NBA player. I think he played in Austin because he loves Governor Abbott.
TWO: His name is Yao Ming. He played for the Houston Rockets. And I doubt he likes Greg Abbott.
MAGS: NBA, NFL, they all look alike. But what was the Chinese football player’s name?
TWO: I have no idea.
MAGS: Sure you do. His name is a Chinese food.
MAGNET: Chopsticks?
MAGGY: No darling, chopsticks aren’t food, chopsticks are twigs used for eating fried rice.
MAGS: That’s it! The Chinese football player’s name was Jerry Rice!
TWO: Lord, have mercy. Jerry Rice is Black. An American.
MAGS: Jerry Rice may look Black, but with a name like Rice he’s obviously Chinese.
TWO: Where do you come up with this nonsense?
MAGS: He was so good the opposing team always double covered him. That’s why we double covered our car. It’s a good car. So, I called Endurance, too. We have CarShield and Endurance. Next week I’m going to Maaco to have the car painted red.
MAGGY: My man is smart! And I told Mags we should tell people the car is a 2019.
TWO: Why?
MAGGY: Because 2019 was a beautiful year. Trump was still in the White House, filling the Supreme Court with people of integrity like Clarence Thomas.
TWO: Trump did not appoint Thomas, that’s not right.
MAGGY: Rice. Jerry Rice.
MAGS: Who cares if Trump didn’t appoint Thomas? All them guys look alike. Clarence Thomas, Tim Scott and the cowboy hat-wearing sheriff from Milwaukee, Ben Carson. Who can tell them apart?
TWO: Apparently, not you. For the umpteenth time, the cowboy sheriff from Milwaukee is named David Clarke. Ben Carson was Trump’s Secretary of Housing.
MAGNET: That sheriff is soooo cute!
MAGS: Magnet!! Don’t you ever…
MAGNET: I never!
MAGGY: Don’t!
TWO: Oh, man, I gotta run. Have a nice day. Goodbye.
© 2023 Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved. Mags the MAGA, Maggy the MAGA and Magnet the MAGA are the intellectual property of Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved.