FAMILY FEUD
A few days ago, I received a phone call from Magnet, the 31-year-old daughter of Mags the MAGA and his wife, Maggy. You may recall the MAGA family suddenly moved from suburban Chicago to Texas last March.
The call from Magnet was the first – and hopefully the last – phone call from her. Peculiarly, Magnet called me using the landline phone from the MAGAs house in Texas, where she lives with her parents. Considering her clandestine behavior, you’d think Magnet would’ve called using her cell phone.
TWO: Hello Mags.
MAGNET: Hi, this is not Mags, it’s Magnet. How did you know the call was from the MAGA household?
TWO: Oh, I dunno, maybe because last century they invented caller ID. Mags’ name was displayed on my caller ID.
MAGNET: Would you mind calling me back? I want to see if we have caller ID.
TWO: Let’s not play games. If you have caller ID, you’d know it by now. What can I do for you?
MAGNET: Well, Mr. Opine, you’ve always seemed fair and reasonable, despite what my parents say about you.
TWO: What do your parents say about me?
MAGNET: They say you are a worthless, liberal, mask-wearing loser intent on destroying this country. They say you oppose a return to the good old days. Dad says you are a Black Lives Matter board member. Mom says you helped start the militant group antifa. They say cockroaches are more valuable to society than you.
TWO: Whew! Mags and Maggy certainly have crazy, childlike imaginations. So, what’s up?
MAGNET: Well, please keep this on the down low. OK?
TWO: Sure thing.
MAGNET: I want to leave Texas.
TWO: (Gulp) You want to do what?
MAGNET: I want to leave Texas. I don’t want to live here anymore. Ever since we moved here, I’ve felt uneasy, out of place. Now, I’ve awakened to the fact that states like Texas and Florida are ruining this country.
TWO: Now you’re talking sense. Please, keep going…
MAGNET: Well, my dad and I had a big argument about vaccines. I finally got vaccinated. To keep my job, I had to get the vaccine. It’s the smartest thing I ever did. And I wear a mask now, too. It drives my parents batty when I wear it.
TWO: So, your folks didn’t want you to get vaccinated?
MAGNET: That’s right. Not only that, once I got vaccinated, they said I should thank Trump for pushing the CDC and Dr. Fauci to quickly come up with the vaccine. I told them Trump shouldn’t get any credit.
TWO: Well, Trump was president when the vaccine was developed, although he’s so dumb he probably had no idea what was going on.
MAGNET: Here is my theory. The election was rigged long before November. Therefore, Biden and the CDC and Fauci – and those scientists at Pfizer and Moderna – they all knew Biden was going to become president. The election was rigged, right?
TWO: Wrong.
MAGNET: Let me finish. Prior to the election, during the summer and fall of 2020, Biden and his people developed the vaccine, without Trump. The scientists knew Biden was going to be president. So, behind the scenes, under Biden’s direction, they got busy and came up with the vaccine, even before Biden was sworn in. Don’t you see?
TWO: Oh, say can you see? No, I cannot see that.
MAGS: Magnet! Your mother and I picked up the other phone a few minutes ago and have been listening to this garbage and have had enough! You are not leaving Texas. And Donald J. Trump is solely responsible for inventing the vaccine. Jared Kushner and Ivanka helped a little bit, as did Diamond and Silk. And that Black doctor who was head of Housing and Urban Development, he helped, too. Honey, what’s his name?
MAGGY: I think his name is David Clarke.
TWO: No, David Clarke is the cowboy-hat-wearing, Village People-lookalike, ex-Milwaukee County sheriff. He’s Black but he’s not a doctor. The former-HUD guy you’re talking about is Ben Carson.
MAGS: It don’t matter because Trump mostly did the vaccine all by himself.
MAGNET: Dad, I am talking to Mr. Opine, not you.
TWO: Magnet, why do you want to leave Texas?
MAGNET: Mainly because of the new law that severely restricts abortions. Texas is making it nearly impossible for a woman to make decisions about her own body. Also, the way Texas Republicans are trying to stop people from protecting themselves, and fellow citizens, from the virus. And because Texas is hellbent on blocking Americans from exercising their constitutional right to vote. Texas Republicans are mentally ill. They don’t act like Americans.
TWO: Amen.
MAGS: Magnet!
TWO: Let let her finish, Mags.
MAGS: Hey, don’t you tell me what to say to my daughter.
MAGGY: I’ve been listening to this crap long enough. I’m going to finish packing.
TWO: Are you moving away from Texas, too?
MAGGY: No, fool, we are driving to Washington, D.C., to attend the rally on September 18. We are going there to support the gentle, peaceful patriots who were wrongly arrested for calmly trying to stop the steal on January 6.
TWO: Uh, oh.
MAGNET: Mom, I am not going.
MAGS: Do not disrespect your mother like that. You will be going with us.
TWO: Listen, I better hang up. This is getting ugly.
MAGS: You did not call my wife ugly, did you?
TWO: No.
MAGGY: Yes, he did. And I have makeup and lipstick on.
TWO: I did not call anyone ugly. I can’t even see you.
MAGS: What do you have to say about Hillary and Benghazi?
TWO: Benghazi? You people bring up Benghazi as quickly as Jesse James pulled out his gun.
MAGGY: What’s the matter with guns? Just about everyone in Texas has a gun.
TWO: Oh, brother.
MAGNET: Thank you for your time, Mr. Opine. Please let me know if you hear of any apartments for rent up there.
TWO: Will do. Goodbye. (Hangs up).
MAGS: Do not call my daughter under any circumstances, lover boy. Understand? Understand?!
MAGGY: Did you hear what my husband just said?!
MAGNET: He already hung up!
© 2021 Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved. Mags the MAGA, Maggy the MAGA, and Magnet the MAGA are the intellectual property of Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved.