A HISTORY LESSON
Unable to see the light, the MAGA family are in the dark about the cause of the Civil War. (Photo credit The Weekly Opine)
New year, same family
I received a phone call from Mags the MAGA, his wife Maggy and their 30-something daughter Magnet this week. To say the MAGA family are unglued is too kind. As usual, they initiate the proceedings and I go along for a bumpy ride.
TWO: Hello. Hello?
MAGS: Oh, hey, it’s Mags. You’re on speaker.
MAGGY & MAGNET: Hello, Opine Man.
TWO: Hi. What’s up?
MAGS: I got a question for you.
TWO: Shoot.
MAGGY: I have a question, too.
TWO: OK.
MAGS: Wait a minute, Maggy, I go first.
TWO: Somebody begin, the meter’s running.
MAGGY: Ladies first. Magnet, tell Mr. Opine what you did.
MAGNET: I just joined a new group that supports Donald Trump.
MAGGY: Yea, and we want to know your opinion.
TWO: About what?
MAGGY: Well, the name of the group…tell him Magnet.
MAGNET: Chumps for Trump!
MAGGY: I’m not sure, but it sounds derogatory to me. Maybe it isn’t. What do you think?
TWO: Well, a chump is generally regarded as…according to Webster’s, “a person who is easily tricked; a stupid or foolish person.”
MAGGY: OK, I wasn’t sure if Chumps for Trump has a negative connotation. I guess the organizers of the group don’t know that. Tell Webster we said “thanks.”
MAGNET: Who is Webster and why should we believe him?
TWO: Webster’s is the venerable dictionary, a leading source to learn the definition of words.
MAGS: Hey, man, we know you went to college. You don’t have to shove your knowledge of that philosopher Webster in our faces.
MAGNET: I attended college for one week. I left after orientation. The books were too expensive.
MAGS: Too bad Ron DeSantis wasn’t in charge back then because the cost of books would’ve been much less.
MAGGY: DeSantis would’ve gotten rid of all those trashy, liberal history and political science books!
TWO: Anything else?
MAGS: Yes. Now, my question.
TWO: OK, Mags, go for it.
MAGS: We saw Nikki Haley on TV a couple weeks ago. She was asked about the Civil War. I cannot believe, as a former governor of South Carolina, she doesn’t know Civil War history. I mean, you do know South Carolina was the first state to succeed?
TWO: Don’t you mean secede?
MAGS: Duh, I mean succeed. South Carolina succeeded in starting the Civil War.
TWO: Here we go…
MAGS: Nikki Haley said some mumbo jumbo about states’ rights or lost cause or something. That is flat out nonsense!
TWO: Wow, are you enlightened?
MAGS. You are correct, my man! The Civil War was about lighting.
TWO: What the…
MAGS: The dispute between the North and South began over lighting.
MAGGY: Daylight Savings Time. Daylight Savings Time started the Civil War.
TWO: O-M-G!
MAGGY: Believe it or not Mr. Opine, that’s what caused the Civil War. The North wanted Daylight Savings Time and the South was against it.
TWO: Please, no.
MAGS: Yes, the North wanted more light so kids could play outside longer.
MAGGY: And the South was worried all that light would damage their azaleas.
TWO: You do know Daylight Savings Time didn’t go into effect until 1918?
MAGNET: I thought the Civil War ended in 1783?
TWO: That was the Revolutionary War, also called the War of Independence. The Civil War ended in 1865.
MAGNET: Oh. Azaleas are so beautiful!
MAGS: Listen, smarty pants Opine Man, if Daylight Savings started in 1918 then the Civil War ended in 1918.
TWO: No, that is incorrect. World War I ended in 1918.
MAGGY: I am sick and tired of you, Opine Man! You think you know everything!
TWO: Well, you did call me to ask a couple of questions.
MAGGY: Just to hear you give the wrong answer. Whatever you say I know the exact opposite is true.
TWO: I see. Then try this out; Trump is the most trustworthy man in America.
MAGGY: No, he’s not. He’s a liar.
TWO: Gotcha! Goodbye...
MAGGY: Wait, I mean, that’s true. Trump is trustworthy!
TWO: So long…
MAGS: &#@%!!
TWO: (Click)
© 2024 Douglas Freeland / The Weekly Opine. All rights reserved. Mags the MAGA, Maggy the MAGA and Magnet the MAGA are the intellectual property of Douglas Freeland. All rights reserved.